Hell' Can't Describe This
by Radical618
Summary: From a Jate and Sawyet shippers point of view, this is Sawyer and Kates relationship after they escaped the island. Skate, with a lot of mentions of Jate and Sawyet. T rating just to be safe, but I don't really anticipate it being a T fic.
1. Chapter 1

She knew it was the end. The plane took off and she didn't know where he was or if he was okay, but it didn't matter; she knew the proclamation of their love was the last time she would ever see him again. After comforting Claire as their plane ride began, Kate looked out the window and watched as the island began to grow smaller and smaller on the horizon, until it was nothing but a dot, nothing but part of the expansive blue behind her. Finally, after looking at nothing for a number of silent minutes, she pushed her salty hair against the blue seat of the Ajira plane and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes and held back tears that were going to come at any moment. She tried to think of anything but him. Anything but Jack, the more she thought of him, the more her insides cringed and hurt. Her hands gripped the arm rests through the pain. The farther away she was from him, the harder it was becoming. She silently counted to five.

His chest heaved. The rock where he had lost everything was far behind him. His wet hair caused beads of ocean water to run down his face, and occasionally sting his eyes. He used this as an opportunity to let a few of his own salty tears to escape his eyes. He didn't exactly know what he was feeling; relief or agony. It had been a number of long days since Juliet had perished in the rummage of the explosion. He still yearned for her touch. James still yearned for Juliet voice to say his name one last time. He looked out the window and saw the expansive blue for miles until the sky met the earth. He knew this plane ride was going to be long, but he could withstand long. The last three years of his life had been long. He returned his focus forward and stared at the front of the plane, taking a deep sigh and continued to miss and want Juliet as he had been doing for days. He looked to his right and saw Kate's white knuckles gripping the armrests and he knew she was missing the one she loved, too.

She flinched ferociously as Claire shook her awake. She never was able to sleep soundly, let alone be shaken awake. She remembered where she was, and saw the tarmac. They had landed somewhere. Secretly she prayed perhaps they had had to turn back, but she knew they hadn't. She saw lights and cameras rushing towards them as she walked down the stairs toward the mob of people. She looked for Lepidus in the crowd, wondering if he would lead them to another plane. There was no plan she was aware of. Her plan was to get back to LA. Finally she saw Lepidus waving off the crowd. He turned around and waved toward the disheveled five. She took a quick glance to find Claire, who was at her side. She grabbed Claire's hand and marched through the crowd onto yet another plane that had been provided for them. She climbed on, pushing Claire in front, feeling the presence of someone else behind her. Kate didn't care who it was because she knew it wasn't Jack.

The tarmac reflected its heat onto his body, making his skin temperature rise at an alarming rate. He hated the crowd he saw approaching, and was glad he was tall enough to see the gray hair of Lepidus heading for another plane not far from them. Dodging a number of people coming right for him, he climbed into the cabin before anyone could bother him. He sat down, and was surprised as to how long it took for the rest of the small party to get into the plane. He watched Lepidus climb into the cockpit as he wore a look of determination. It was apparent he wanted to desperately be home too. Claire bustled through, followed by Kate, who he could still see was looking extremely sad. Claire sat in a row alone, wanting to sleep and did just that almost instantly. Kate was about to do the same thing when she noticed Sawyer's small smile and his comforting gaze. She rubbed her shoulder, which tinged with pain momentarily, and then took a seat in his row, leaving a space between them. She grabbed the armrests again as thought of Jack took her over, and he took this time to place his hand over hers in a small gesture of reassurance.

She turned to look at him, holding everything back the best she could. She swallowed the lump in her throat but felt her lip tremble as her eyes became glossy. There was no tear though; she wouldn't let one fall. Kate offered something that resembled a smile to Sawyer, and he offered his small smile back in return. There was nothing to say yet, so she looked away from him and closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath of the air. She didn't know how long the plane ride would be from here. The last time Kate had taken this plane ride it had been with him. Sawyer couldn't fill the void of Jack, but perhaps Sawyer was the best friend she had now. Her breathing relaxed as she thought, with her eyes closed, how both she and Sawyer had lost the same thing. In a moment of revelation her eyes flew open and her head swiveled to Sawyer. Her gaze met the back of his dark blonde head. For a moment her ache changed. Kate suddenly understood her pain wasn't the only pain in existence. She knew he missed Juliet as she missed Jack. Kate and Sawyer only had each other now. She grazed her thumb upon his hand as it was still resting on top of hers. He looked to her with sad eyes behind a fake smile.

Her thumb against his skin eased his pain momentarily in the silence of the cabin. Sawyer faked his smile not only to offer her something in return but also as something that would maybe help him feel better. It didn't. He still felt gritty and sad and broken. The relief he had felt of getting off the island had left his body like a flash flood. There was nothing in him that could make him feel better. He didn't even bother trying to think of things awaiting him at home; if Juliet wasn't there, nothing was. He noticed suddenly that he and Kate had made been holding eye contact for a solid minute, so he blinked to wet his eyes and break the connection. Sawyer saw Kate had fallen victim to the staring contest and again looked away from his and to the wall in front of them. He removed his hand and rubbed the back of his head. Though he had grown accustomed to the feeling of salty water, it was always itchy as it matted and dried in his hair. He took a quick glance to Kate again. Her eyes were closed. The pressure in his chest rose as he put together a single sentence, which he didn't know if she'd hear or not. "Freckles," He paused and watched her eyes open, but she made no other acknowledgement. "The last three years have been hell, but the rest of our lives will be something else." It wasn't comforting, but it didn't make fill her with emotional pain either. And though they didn't know it, they each thought of how the one's they loved felt against their lips, and they each knew hell wouldn't begin to describe what their lives were going to feel like.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate didn't really know how many hours later it was, but she was relieved to get off the plane. Claire was at her side seeming to have forgotten what the real world was like. In the short while they had returned to the island, Kate had seemed to have forgotten what it felt like to live a normal life too. Subconsciously she looked to find Sawyer and when she saw his tall frame on her opposite side, she took a sharp breath of relief. She assumed that it had been unspoken they were going to be a team and get through whatever they couldn't together. This time the flood of people coming at them was inescapable. There were over a hundred yelling and pushing reporters and news anchors coming at them wanting to know the details of their travels, the ups and downs, the excitement and the fear. No one spoke to anyone except an "excuse me" or a "no comment" every now and again. Kate saw Claire dart in a direction where she saw the Aussie's mother and her – no – Claire's son. She looked back to Kate and smiled, holding Aaron and hugging him tightly. She stopped momentarily and looked into the boy's eyes. The amount of strength it was taking to hold herself back from running to him and telling him mommy was home was harder than anything else she had tried to do before. She smiled to the three of them, waving to Aaron who was looking confused and scared. Claire walked over to Kate in the midst of the engulfing crowd. Her breathing quickened and her heart race sky rocketed. Seeing Aaron and being so close to the boy she had raised was uncomfortable, allowing her to remember everything she had left behind; everything she had lost.

Sawyer ignored anyone who dared to ask about his experience on the island and he made sure no one talked to Kate or Claire as they were sharing a moment between themselves in the presence of Aaron. He stood protectively over them, eyeing down anyone who approached them. He heard Kate trying to explain to Aaron who Claire was, which was not going well at all. He saw from the corner of his eye Aaron reject Claire immediately and consistently. He saw Kate kiss Aaron and then walk away, Aaron's screams for who he thought was his mother echoing on the crowded runway. He followed Kate after giving Claire a quick goodbye, but it was nothing over the top. Based on their past, Sawyer knew that they were all intertwined forever. He ran after the distraught Kate, literally pushing and shoving people out of the way so he could reach her and shelter her from the crowd. Miles showed up at his side, asking him something that Sawyer wasn't listening to. He mumbled something to Miles about talking to him later, all the while keeping his eyes on the fast moving Kate. He reached her side, where she almost rejected his presence thinking he was some sort of journalist. He placed an arm on her good shoulder. "You need a hospital Kate." She glared at him. "I will take you there, keep these damn reproters at bay." She walked briskly through the airport, stopping for no one, looking at no one. In a matter of minutes they were outside and climbing into a taxi. Before she could designate a destination Sawyer took charge. "St. Sebastian for the lady. She's gotta bullet hole that needs tending."

"James. The last thing I need now is a doctor. I want to go home." She lied to him. Though she did long for her home, her shoulder felt as though it was going to detach from her body. He didn't respond because he knew that what she was telling him wasn't the truth. Kate Austen was not known for giving people the whole truth. She looked away from him and out the window, watching the buildings and palm trees wiz past her in the speeding yellow taxi. "How will we contact everyone else?" She decided if he knew she was lying, she may as well concentrate her senses on something else rather than her shoulder. Sawyer merely shrugged. "Talk, James. It helps."

"About what? How we'll find the people who we spent our miserable lives with? I don't know. I'm sure they'll appear in our lives within the next few hours." His tone was rough and unhappy. It was becoming apparent that the comfort he had provided had been feigned. He looked out the window as they approached the white hospital, its blue letters shining in the Los Angeles sun. The taxi came to a stop as it rolled slowly under the drop off covering. He opened his door and was prepared to open Kate's, but as he turned to the other side of the taxi, her brown haired head was looking at him. "Goddammit we gotta pay for this cab." He had no money. She had no money. They stared at the taxi driver blankly. "We're survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Give us some slack." The driver shook his head no, and pointed mutely to the price blinking in his cab. "Go inside. I'll deal with this." She obliged only because the pain in her shoulder was growing rapidly. Now that she wasn't thinking about just Jack anymore, her focus had moved to her shoulder. He argued for a minute or two with the taxi driver, and when Sawyer threatened him with sincerity the man took off in a huff, knowing that he was going to have to pay the hefty price from his own pocket.

She walked to the desk where she received immediate attention as the blood on her gray shirt was not only obvious, but rather gruesome. The nurse rushed her to a small patient room, where she was left alone. She took this time to calm herself. She ignored her location. She knew this was the hospital where Jack had worked. She had been here before to see him during a work day. Kate told herself for the next many minutes before the doctor arrived that she had to stop wallowing over Jack. His decision had been final. Their paths wouldn't cross again. As the door opened she perked up, expecting her shoulder to be relieved of its pain. It was only Sawyer. Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion, but before she could ask why he was here, the doctor arrived in his bright white lab coat and his baby blue scrubs. They discussed her vitals and other important information, when the conclusion was simply that the string she had in holding the wound together would no long suffice, and that it would need to be redone. She nodded, that was the answer she had expected. She looked to Sawyer. "I'll be waiting out there for you, Freckles."

He moseyed back down the hallway and to a waiting room where he saw a random magazine he was able to flip through. More looking at the pictures than reading the words, he was able to let his mind wander rather than focus on the text. He couldn't decide what their next step would be, or if they would even be 'they'. He assumed they would be, so he decided to devise a plan that concerned the two of them. He didn't have a home here but he knew Kate did, so maybe he could stay there with her. He inquired to himself the fate of Jack's property. He wondered if Kate would want to go there and collect Jack's belongings. He knew that if he could find Juliet's possessions he would want them. And then it dawned on him that Juliet had people who loved her. He recalled hearing of her sister Rachel and her son Julian. Though they were painful for her to talk about, he knew they were a big part of her life, and if they had gotten off the island three years ago they'd be the first people she would have contacted. The idea formed in his mind. And despite what he had proposed to himself, this idea was not going to include Kate. He stopped looking at the pictures in the magazine and wasn't aware of how long it had been, but Kate was approaching him. She looked to him and smiled; her pain was subsiding. He smiled back and hugged her genuinely; his anger was subsiding as well.

"Where do we go now, James?" It was somewhat of a rhetorical for her as she knew her next destination was home and only home. He looked at her and explained his plan. He was going to Florida to find Rachel. They sat on a bench outside the hospital after realizing they had no ride home. "Florida." He nodded. She rubbed her forehead. "I need you here." He rested his head on the concrete building. "Please. Please wait at least a few days. I need your help with something I can't do alone." Sawyer asked her what it was as his impatience rose. He hated that Kate didn't acknowledge his wishes and that hers always came first. "I can't go to his apartment alone."

"Is that all I ever am to you, Kate? A way for you to deal with Jack when you can't face him yourself?" He knew his words were harsh and that if someone had said something like that to him about Juliet, he would probably punch them in the face. She stared at him with hate and anger. He knew why and she had a right to, but he wasn't going to let him bother him; his point was valid and a common reoccurrence. "This is something I need to do. I need to do it for her. You need to go to Jack's place, fine. I understand. But once you do that, once I do this, it's time to move on. We need to go and do these things alone." He stood up. He wanted to get away from her. He didn't know why, but all of a sudden her presence was making him agitated.

"Then go James. You may think I need you now because I'm weak, but I need you because you're my best friend, and I can't bear to enter the place that the man I love once lived in and won't ever again, alone. But go do what you need to, I get it; I understand. Once I'm done grieving I'll be here. I'll be here moving on. I hope when you get back you'll be able to move on with me." She weaved the string in which Jack had sown her wound closed with threw her fingers within her jean pocket. A car driven by a familiar face pulled up, and the two took a sigh of relief. It was like Lepidus knew them inside and out.


	3. Chapter 3

They climbed into the over sized, gas wasting SUV and was unsure if Lepidus had a predestined destination, or if he was simply going to taxi them where they needed to go. He looked to Sawyer in the back seat through the rearview mirror and asked where they wanted to go. This time Kate jumped the gun and told Frank where her house was, and in a manner of seconds he was headed in that direction. Frank tried desperately to make some sort of small talk, but he was failing miserably. Kate wanted to be doing something besides concentrating on needing Sawyer. It wasn't working in the slightest. She was actually astonished as to how much she needed him. She didn't want him to go find Rachel. She spoke out, surprising the two men in the extra large SUV. "If you stay, Sawyer, you won't have to be involved in anything related to the island, or Jack."

"Damnit Kate, let me go there and find her." Sawyer said through gritted teeth. He didn't want Frank to be involved with their lives at this particular moment. Nothing was said between the three of them again until many minutes later when they arrived to Kate's house. They each bid Lepidus a thank you and a farewell. Sawyer followed her into her house, where she was frozen in the entry way. "Why do you need me here?" His eyes flickered through the house, spotting toys and blankets fit for a four year old. Kate didn't answer as she turned to face him. He watched her as her eyes danced from his own, to his lips and his neck, and back up to his eyes.

"I need to move on with you James." She stepped to him and placed her hand on his face, his stubble feeling rough against her soft finger tips. "They're…gone. We have each other." She didn't know why she was saying what she was. She attributed it to her emotional baggage and her need to give it to someone. This wasn't like her, but with him standing there lonely and broken like her, she knew this was right. She knew this was what both Jack and Juliet would want; for Kate and Sawyer to move on. She watched his shoulders rise and fall. She felt her hand on his face warm up as his skin grew warm. She inched close to his face. "Please." She whispered, her hand now rubbing the back of his neck.

His hands found her waist and he hesitated between pulling her closer and pushing her away. But he knew she was right. He knew seeing Rachel would only make his grief grow and turn into an emotion he wouldn't be able to control. He didn't want that. He loved Juliet, but Kate was here. Now. He pulled her closer and pressed her lips to his, which rekindled moments that were filled with mostly angst and fear. But they were moments that they had shared because there had always been something between them. He pulled his lips away from hers and heard her whisper his name. Longing sprinkled her tone. His need to move on was the driving force as he kissed her again. This time there was more passion. This time there was urgency because he wanted Kate. This time Kate wanted Sawyer; he was here.

Later that night she found herself alone in her room as Sawyer was rummaging for food in her kitchen. She was sure he was having no luck, as the house had been deserted for a number of days now, and there was probably nothing still good in the refrigerator. She looked down to the ground as she climbed down from her bed. Her jeans had been ripped off and flung onto the floor in a hurry from the hours prior when she and Sawyer had found her way up to her bedroom. She put a clean loose shirt on, along with some other fresh clothing items. She picked up her jeans and gray shirt, and gripped them tightly in her hands. She opened her closet and found an old shoe box, where she placed the shirt and jeans inside. But before she packed away the pieces of clothing, she pulled out a piece of string that was covered in dark red dried blood. She wrapped around her wrist, and tightened it. She counted to five.

Sawyer was starving and there was nothing to eat in the house except for some almost stale animal crackers and macaroni and cheese. He wondered if Kate would be willing to go out to eat. He then wondered if Kate had any money. He was sure she did, as she had lived here for three years, doing something he had no idea about. He decided to save these inquiries for another time and grabbed the Kraft box, found a pot, and put water on the stove to boil. He saw there was a newspaper lying on the island in the kitchen. He studied the date. He couldn't imagine it had once been April 15, 2007. He glanced over the headlines and laughed to himself – he almost missed living in the 70s. He heard the floor above him creak, and then some stairs squeak as Kate came down the staircase. She entered the kitchen and gave Sawyer a lazy smile, then looked behind him seeing the steaming water and the blue macaroni box. "I'm hungry and everything else you have is spoiled." She laughed at his honesty. She took a breath and walked to him and hugged him. She took a breath of his freshly showered hair and his soaped skin. He held her close to him until he heard the water sizzle. "Time for mac and cheese, Freckles." She sat down at the table and he poured the noodles in, the warmth of the steam greeting his face and allowing him to relax. But then he remembered where he was and how life could be. "If we're gonna play house we need money, Kate." He looked back to her and she wore a frown; it looked like she remembered where she was, too.


End file.
